PROTUS Beer Mail Raises
Questions About Security, Freshness
WASHINGTON — In the latest White House
security blunder, a Secret Service radar system failed to pick up a drone that
crashed on the South Lawn yesterday. A White Spokesperson said the crash “Was a
misunderstanding. Boris Thomas, operator of the drone and Chicago resident,
used a highly unorthodox delivery method that caught us by surprise. No harm
was intended.” Thomas released a statement shortly thereafter, “He’s the leader
of the free world. I felt a duty to get him his beer as fast as possible,” Thomas
said. “That shit fades quick,” he added.
The Secret Service said Thomas would not be charged with a crime. President
Obama addressed the nation at 4pm and gave the following statement:
“I had exchanged
several messages with Mr. Thomas and he was slow in responding to me over the
course of the last several weeks. Apparently, he was in the Hospital and had no
access to the countless messages I sent him. Then, today, a drone arrives on my
lawn with the unwrapped six-pack we
had agreed on nearly a month ago. Although he claims it’s fresh, my Chief of
Staff informed me it is indeed 23 days old.
I had already sent him $60 worth of the latest DC Brau release, which
I’m sure he has drank by now. I was also hopeful he would even throw an extra
in... I guess in a way, he gave me a Space Station Middle Finger. I’m just glad
nobody was injured. I look forward to putting this entire trade behind us and
moving on.”
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